CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA - "The Olfactory Correlates of the Human Vagina," a study recently published by Dr. Francis Hemingsworth of the University of Virginia, has quickly become a revelation in the field of Olfaction and Anatomical Studies nationwide. The groundbreaking report has challenged the widespread and age-old intuition that vaginas smell like tuna. Trials controlling for age and gender consistently pointed to Nickelodeon's 'Gak' as the most accurate match for vagina smell.
"Thanks to a generous grant from the March of Dimes Foundation, we were able to conduct a meticulously controlled study with very reproducible results. Though they may challenge commonly held sentiments, we cannot ignore the study's implications--the vast majority of vaginas do not smell like tuna, but actually like Gak," Hemingsworth stated at a well-attended press conference with a circus-like atmosphere.
The backlash from the intellectual community at large has been harsh. Dr. Alfred Finkleman of the Renassler Polytechnic Institute has been among the study's loudest critics. "What we have here is an upstart researcher with questionable credentials looking to make a name for himself. We have not yet seen a paper published in a peer-reviewed journal, but he's calling press conferences. I looked at the study and found shoddy methods, inconsistent data, and questionable vaginas used. You reporters might neglect to mention, for example, that 32% of the vaginas were menopausal. So what we're talking about, a third of the time, is old vaginas."
Ultimately, the scientific body at large will be the judge of Hemingsworth's study. Papers will soon be published in the New England Journal of Vaginal Research and the nationally published Olfactory Review. The implications on the everyday lives of millions are, of course, incredibly significant, and the reception of this controversial research will be closely watched.
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